A Christian and Her Confessions

Divine Connections

 

When I first started following Christ, I would often pray for divine connections.  I had many friends that weren't Christian and no Christian friends and I was aware of the fact that the people you surround yourself with determine the quality and direction of your life.  Now I did not abandon the friends I had made before knowing Christ, some of them no longer wanted a relationship with me and the rest are still my friends to this day.  During this time, I was so hungry for friendships that centered around Him.  I wanted to talk about Him, talk about His favour, His blessings, His character, convictions and so much more.  So I prayed for divine connections and boy did He start bringing them into my life.

He brought into my life people who know and love Him passionately, people who desire to grow more and more Christ like every day, people who are accountable to themselves and others.  It has been by far the biggest blessing to date that He has brought such Godly friends into my life.  Through these friends, I have experienced true love, the kind of love where you are valued not for your behaviours but for who you are, just as you are, wherever you are at.  I'd like to share a specific example with you about what this looks like.  A couple of weeks ago, I met up with a friend who I admittedly thought was a little self focused at times.  I know, I know, I can be the worst at times.  A few months back I had shared with her that I often ask people a lot of questions about themselves as a means to protect myself from others getting to know me (something God continues working with me on).  Rather than saying see you later to me, our friendship continued, she shared about her life openly and honestly.  Little did I know that she had remembered what I had said from months ago and the last time we met it was time for her to be the one asking the questions.

My parents are in the process of divorcing and it has been a difficult and long couple of years.  When sharing the most recent update, my friend asked whether I was ok, I went on to talk about my parents and again she redirected me to the question of whether or not I was ok (she shared after that she thought perhaps I hadn't heard the question).  I think I have gotten so good at diversions that I don't recognize when I am doing them at times.  I began responding to her question and she saw my heart that day and spoke to it.  It broke me, I was crying in the restaurant, I am welling up now as I write this.  For the first time in a very long time someone had seen me, seen my heart, seen my pain and rather than talk me out of my heart or tell me what I should be doing she just met me there and for that I am so grateful.

It took a lot of courage for her to point out the grief, anger, and hurt she was seeing in a way that was not condemning at all but gentle and full of grace.  This is what divine connections look like, they show up, they see you, and they love you.  It is my prayer for any of you reading this that God will bless you abundantly with divine friendships in your life.  That those individuals He brings into your life will see your heart, hold you accountable when you are not doing this yourself, be obedient to God themselves, speak out of love and enrich your life in ways you never thought possible.  My friend shone light into pieces of my heart that were dark that day and I am forever grateful.  I am currently meeting with a Christian counsellor she recommended so that light can continue to be shone into those dark places of hurt and rejection that need healing.  God uses many vessels to draw you nearer to Him and friendships are one of these vessels.  To that end, I pray for deep, Christ centered relationships for you in His Almighty Name! 

A Crush

 

I have a crush - it seems a bit silly to use this phrase at this age but what is the alternative?  I have a liking for a man, I am interested in a man, perhaps the I am interested in a man will suffice!  Regardless of how I say this, it does not change the fact that these feelings exist.  I would love to be able to tell you that this person knows God passionately and that he likes me too but both of these statements are not true at this time.  He is currently exploring Christianity and has asked many questions about dating someone who is not Christian.  He was not asking these questions directly to me but to a group during a bible study. 

Before knowing Jesus, I would have worked so hard to manipulate a situation like this, even going so far as to sexualize the environment (I am still a little ashamed to admit) while he is around because that is one of the things I learned from my upbringing - females are there to meet males' needs.  This mentality often resulted in me being devoid of any sort of personality.  I did not know what I liked or did not like and if I did like something I was afraid to say it because I thought that the essence of being female around males was to meet their needs and agree with whatever they said.  I am thankful that God has changed this and He has renewed my mind and revealed to me unhealthy belief systems that I carried and not only revealed them but healed them.  He is so good! 

So what to do when faced with a crush, interest, or liking for someone?  Let God be the author of your love story and in the meantime interact with that individual in a way that is glorifying and pleasing to Him.  If God has placed marriage on your heart, He is going to author your story around this, whatever that looks like.  It can be incredibly difficult to surrender, to let go and let God especially when it comes to things we so badly want and desire.  I definitely thought I would have been married and have children by this point but I can honestly say that by the grace of God that has not come to fruition yet.  If I had married the people I dated, even people I dated earlier this year it most likely would have been a very difficult marriage. 

God really protects and provides for us and discerns for us when we are unable to discern for ourselves whether or not we should be with a certain person.  God has stepped into my dating life so many times and rescued me from drowning.  Sometimes I did not think that I needed rescuing, sometimes I was unaware of how far I had swum out or how close I was to a strong current that would have pulled me down.  He pulled me to shore each and every time, so faithful and great is He.  I am able to look back in every rescue operation and say to myself – “oh there that current was and wow I was really far out from shore.”  After each of these rescue operations, I learn a little more from and about God, I am a little better prepared and equipped to try swimming again and ultimately step into the wife role I so desire someday.  God willing. 

My prayer for you is that your eyes are open to seeing what God has done in your love story, what He is doing in it right now and that a commitment is made to turn that story over to Him.  He is more than capable, He knows what you need/want perhaps even more than you do but mostly He loves you more than you might love yourself.  When we love ourselves little we start compromising on what we think we deserve – God does not play this game, He loves us so much that He wants us to live a blessed, abundant, and joyous life.  Just as it is in my best interest to trust and surrender my love story to a God who loves me more than I love myself most times, perhaps this is in your best interest too.  Just take a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and give your love life to God.  Now let it all go.  You are ok, you are loved, He’s got you. 

I would worship better if...

 

For the first time since I became a Christian, the thought I would worship better if I had a husband popped into my brain the other day.  I indulged in this thought for a bit, thinking to myself "yeah, if I had a husband, I wouldn't have to worry about this aspect of my life anymore so I would be free to worship God with my whole heart."  Even as I type this, I see the naivety in this thought process and thankfully pretty soon after this thought God revealed to me that this would not be the case as there is always something you can add to finish this sentence.  I would worship better if…

I had more money

I had a better job

I was younger, prettier, thinner, more handsome etc.

I had no debt

I was pregnant

My friends, family, coworkers were nicer, kinder, loving etc.

and on and on the list goes.  This thought of being able to worship better based on circumstances changing is not from God.  God calls us to worship Him with our whole hearts, in all circumstances.  This can be difficult at times as I have recently realized.  So what to do when worship becomes a bit more challenging then you have previously been used to?  Continue to worship, worship your way out of these qualifying sentences, worship your way out of pain, worship your way out of rejection, worship your way out of loss, worship your way out of fear, out of doubts.  For as God says in His own breathed word – Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).  We draw near to God through worship.  God is spirit and His worshipers must worship in the spirit and in truth (John 4:24).  God wants nothing more than to set us free from pain, rejection, loss, fear, and doubts and it is more than possible to worship our way through and out of such things although challenging, uncomfortable, and excruciating at times. 

My prayer for you is that you do what God asks us to do – worship in spirit and truth even when you may not feel like it.  I am doing that right alongside you.  When something creeps into your mind along the lines of I could/would worship better if, let worship renew your mind and cast out these thoughts in Jesus name.  Until next time friends…

Unexpected Places

 

God shows up in unexpected places (well at least in places I didn't expect him to be) which is funny because His word reveals that He is with us, in us, and around us so if anything I should believe and expect that He is everywhere.  During my recent vacation I had plans to go hiking in a new place everyday with my dogs.  I am THAT ambitious.  To be honest, I think my dogs are happy I am back at work now!  During these hikes, I had not planned on being challenged in my faith...that is the unexpected bit. 

I didn't grow up in Canada so admitting that I now live in what is cutely named bear country is hard for me to do.  Combine that denial with a mum who we (my siblings and I) are easily able to freak out on walks by saying a scratch on a tree is from a bear and you get me, an individual who isn't entirely comfortable hiking in bear country yet loves being outdoors. 

Therefore, I put certain measures in place.  The first measure is when I go to a new hike location I only proceed with the hike if there are no signs cautioning about bears, cougars etc.  This worked well for a while.  I would start a hike feeling serene because there were no cautionary signs only for signs to start popping up halfway into the trail.  How dare those wild animals move from place to place! 

This may not seem like a big deal, but to me, it sort of felt like having the rug ripped from underneath my feet, any sense of peace in nature I had was gone.  After this happened more than a few times, I started becoming obsessive, watching videos on bear attacks, researching the pros and cons of bear spray, reading articles about what to do if you come across a bear.  I suppose I was trying to get some sense of control back.  However, control is an illusion and no obsession is ever from God so I knew that I needed to figure out a way to enter His rest again.  I prayed, I reflected on scripture and then God revealed something to me. 

I am doing a bible study called Be Anxious for Nothing by Joyce Meyer and it focuses on casting your cares and resting in God.  Due to the fact I was on vacation I was really able to engage in this study on a daily basis.  When you are growing in faith and growing in your relationship with God, spiritual attacks may happen especially in the area in which you are studying and growing in.  I didn't expect that because of this bible study and what God is revealing to me through it that I would experience a spiritual attack around anxiety and worry in nature but it happened.  God helped me heal this anxiety, accept that I live in a place with wildlife and have faith that He is going to take care of me. 

Spiritual attacks are often unexpected although it may be in our best interest to expect them from time to time.  I know if I had, I would not have struggled with such intense anxiety for days.  My prayer for you is that when spiritual attacks come your way rather than feeling hopeless or giving up, stand on His word, speak His word over your life, and most of all cast these cares onto God so that you can enter into His rest.   

Grief

 

Sometimes I look so forward to going to heaven and I am not entirely sure that this thought/feeling is all that pleasing and glorifying to God.  You see it comes from a wanting to escape place, wanting to escape from pain, wanting to escape from things I don't understand, essentially using God to run from God.  Have you ever done that?

People can be so good at deceiving themselves to the extent that they may try and use God to run away from Him.  The trouble is that there is nowhere we can go whether it be physical places or our mind or our feelings where God isn't.  He is in us and we are in Him.  Therefore, rather than think about heaven to escape from thinking about earth, I am finding it both easier and harder to lean into Him to help me navigate situations here.  I also know that it is by the grace of God that I am living, writing this and wanting to be anywhere else is like telling Him that His plan right now isn't good enough or isn't what I want.  It grieves me that I can get to these places and my prayer for myself or others who find themselves thinking this way is for righteous intentions behind thinking about heaven.

My heart is grieving today for people here. For a couple who have lost not one child but two now, one child 3 months after he was born and one child 5 months into the pregnancy.  I don't understand.  Sometimes people in response to something like this begin talking about how God has a plan, out of the messes there are messages, and on and on.  Now isn’t the time to hear these things although they are undoubtedly true.  It’s not the time to hear these things because I’ve tried saying them to myself and it sounds and feels empty hearing these things.  I have no idea what this couple must be going through and I can only pray for divine connections in their lives that know how to support them in a way that isn’t empty.  Will you pray for this also?

It is human nature to want to feel good, it feels bad to feel bad.  I encourage you to go to His word and there you will see what He asks us to do when grieving, we are to weep, mourn, pray, and wait.  Lord – thank you for the book of Job which shows us what to do when suffering, thank you that you show us how to navigate situations with grace.  God loses His children every day to this world.  He knows what it means to lose a child.  My prayer for people reading is a plea really…come back to God, He misses you, He loves you, and He is waiting for you to return to Him.

 

The Heart

 

God is after my heart and oh how I resist Him at times.  I am not sure why because I know I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by surrendering my heart to Him fully and with abandon - it just seems incredibly scary at times.

Sometimes when we are unable to shake fear we may have to do things that need to be done afraid.  God is after my heart, that scares me sometimes but I want him to have it, so I lay down my heart time and time again while afraid. 

The thing I find most scary about giving my heart to God is that He breaks it.  Then He heals it and then He breaks it and then He heals it some more and that is hard at times.  It is one of the most effective ways He accesses my hardened heart and heals my wounds by showing me with such gentleness, love, and patience the things that exist in my heart that don't serve Him, me, or others well.  Things like pride, unforgiveness, resentment, judgment, bitterness, self loathing, entitlement, competition, jealousy, envy, and martyrdom.  He uses people, situations, and sometimes both to reveal these wounds that need healing and when He does I am humbled, grateful, convicted and at times a little sad.  At the end of the day I don't want to walk around hurting others or responding to people and situations from a heart that harbors pride, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, judgment, self loathing, entitlement, competition, jealousy, envy, and martyrdom.  I want to respond to God, people, and situations with a Christ like heart, one filled with love, grace, peace, patience, joy, gentleness, and forgiveness.  That is why God has to break my heart sometimes, why He has to chip away at all the hardened pieces in order for my heart to be renewed and made soft again. 

I remember the first time I realized that my heart was being refined and getting softer.  One of my friends was moving back to where I currently live and I had just moved here myself so had not yet established a social network.  When she shared she was coming back, I burst into tears, I had missed her and hadn’t even realized how much I missed her.  My tears surprised her as much as they did me and I remember saying “I think I cry a lot more now that I go to church.”  It’s true, God loves you so much that He is willing to break your heart, chip down your walls in order to restore, heal, and ultimately redeem you. 

This process is by no means easy at times but give Him your heart, let Him do what is in your best interests with it and life will never be the same again.  Walking wounded is not a lot of fun whereas walking healed, restored, and redeemed really is.  For anybody reading this, I pray for all your hearts, for healing, restoration, and redemption so that you can have life and have it to the full.  Amen, Amen, Amen.

Our Father

 

Father - a loaded word for some and for others a word that brings forth joyful, encouraging, fun (insert any positive adjectives here) memories.  I personally fall in the camp of the word father being a loaded word.  Here on this earth, I do not have the father I need and I truly believe that God's heart breaks for all those individuals in a similar position. 

I have heard on different occasions that the various characteristics people come to know about their earthly father are perhaps some of the characteristics they will ascribe to their Heavenly Father.  I know this was the case for me.  Before I began having a relationship with God, I would have likely described Him as distant, a mirage, and judgmental.  Praise God that I now know Him differently. 

It has brought a lot of comfort and healing to my heart and soul to know that although my earthly dad is unavailable at this time to be the dad I need, I still have a daddy.  God is my dad and He loves me just as much as He loves you.  He has changed the way I view fathers and men in general and all the praise and glory goes to Him for this.  Life is so much better now I have a dad again.  I know I am protected, loved unconditionally, treasured, secure, and safe. 

The difficult part of all of this is that God calls me to love and honour my earthly father and oh how I have struggled and continue to struggle with this.  So far I have gotten to the place where I can say I honour my dad for giving me life and also for providing for our physical needs while growing up.  I recognize for other people out there it may just be that they are able to honour their fathers for their existence but don’t I know how difficult that is especially when those fathers have caused so much pain.  As for the love part, I am trying to love my earthly dad because I know it is the right thing to do and I really love my Father and want to do what is pleasing and glorifying to Him.     

I have such a journey ahead of me when it comes to figuring out what to think, feel, do about my earthly dad but I know I do have a Father who is going to guide me through this journey, walking beside me, in front of me, and behind me.  My prayer and hope for anybody reading this is that if you don’t or didn’t have the earthly father you need/needed, if you perhaps feel/felt abandoned, rejected, scorned, mocked, scared, and just hurt that you come to know that you are able to find rest in our Heavenly Father.  He is waiting for you with arms wide open, waiting for you to run into them so He can hold you tight and whisper to you “I love you, I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere.”  He is after all the great I Am.  I didn’t know for a very long time that I had a Father who I could run to and from someone who took a long time to run into His arms, I urge you to run to Him, muster all that childlike faith you once had for your earthly father and direct it towards Him.  Run with abandon, with your arms and legs flailing, a smile like the sun on your face because trust me He has got you, and lovely, He is never letting go. 

The Beginning

 

Looking back, God has been calling me to Him for years.  During those years having somewhat a strong control orientation (which is really just a pleasant way of saying I was stubborn, rigid, and over all stuck) I spent many years not hearing Him and just not paying attention.  Thankfully, He never gave up on me.

I grew up going to church, not sure why or how this began but every Sunday my mum would take my brother, sister and myself to church.  My dad never came with us.  I can't really recall my experiences of church back then, I remember some stories, playing with friends, eating cookies but that's about it.  In the late 90's we all moved to Canada and there were a few attempts with the whole family (dad included) to go to church, I think we tried a couple of churches and then that was that.  Even though we didn't attend church anymore, I prayed the same prayer every night in my teens - "Dear God, please keep my friends and family safe through the night, Amen."  I am not sure why I prayed this, perhaps praying offered a degree of comfort knowing that although I was far aware from all I had ever known, someone was keeping watch over all the people I loved, missed, and cared about. 

While in my teens, I met a lovely boy, he didn't attend church but his friends did so we went to a few events with them.  Still, my heart remained impervious to God, I don't think I was intentionally trying to shut Him out or keep Him away.  I just couldn't grasp what it meant to know Him, love Him, and be in relationship with Him.  When I was in my late teens, this boy and I moved in together and during our time together he started working at a church.  As he got plugged into the church so did I but again my heart didn't receive what God had to offer and my eyes weren't open to the peace, joy and freedom that comes from knowing and being in a relationship with Him.  When this boy and I broke up, I was devastated.  It felt as though my heart was actually physically hurting, he was the person I thought I was going to marry and have children with and it took me a long time to grieve the loss of the relationship, him, and the dreams with him that weren't going to come to fruition.  During this time I moved and began reading the bible and again my heart, mind, and soul just weren't getting what the gospel is really about. 

When I moved again a few years back, I started dating someone new.  He ended up moving for a job and we decided to try long distance dating (boy is that hard and hats off to people who are able to make this work)!  We lasted about 2 weeks and I could tell that he was not happy.  I spoke to him about how relationships don't work if you have one foot in and one foot out and that he needs to decide (for himself, not for me) if he wants to be all in or all out of the relationship.  After delivering what I felt at the time was a mature and wise speech, God spoke to me, He showed me that that is exactly what I had been doing with Him for all these years.  He was so right  - funny thing about God - He is always right but He convicted me with such gentleness and graciousness that I felt no shame that it had taken me 25+ years to get to this point.  I remember saying to Him, you are right and thinking about how I could make an informed decision about whether or not I wanted to be in relationship with Him. 

A few months prior to this revelation, someone I had met had taken me to an Alpha session, during that time I felt so betrayed and abandoned by this person because he hadn't shared that this event was through and at a church and I actually ended up leaving early.  When trying to decide how I could figure out if I wanted to be in a relationship with God, because of this person I knew that alpha was a course where I could learn all about Christianity so I went.

I was not a gracious guest at these sessions.  I was closed off, hyper-critical, and defensive.  Thankfully, God placed me at a table where none of my questions or my attitude was met with defensiveness just openness and honesty.  I found myself looking forward to these alpha sessions.  After they finished, I found a church, began attending regularly, got baptized, and have never looked back.

God really did find one of His missing sheep and I am so thankful that He did.  It is my hope and prayer for anyone reading this that when He comes and finds you because He loves you and wants to be your father and help you create a life worth living that you hear Him out.  It doesn't matter to Him as much as you may think it does that you have made mistakes or that it has taken you years to accept the gift of life He has to offer you.  Take a look at the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).  This parable so clearly highlights how when you come back to Him, He is there with open arms ready to receive you, clothe you, and above all else shroud you with a cloak of love that you are unable to get anywhere else.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.  I will leave you with one question as I bid you adieu for today – How is God calling you to Him?