God is after my heart and oh how I resist Him at times. I am not sure why because I know I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by surrendering my heart to Him fully and with abandon - it just seems incredibly scary at times.
Sometimes when we are unable to shake fear we may have to do things that need to be done afraid. God is after my heart, that scares me sometimes but I want him to have it, so I lay down my heart time and time again while afraid.
The thing I find most scary about giving my heart to God is that He breaks it. Then He heals it and then He breaks it and then He heals it some more and that is hard at times. It is one of the most effective ways He accesses my hardened heart and heals my wounds by showing me with such gentleness, love, and patience the things that exist in my heart that don't serve Him, me, or others well. Things like pride, unforgiveness, resentment, judgment, bitterness, self loathing, entitlement, competition, jealousy, envy, and martyrdom. He uses people, situations, and sometimes both to reveal these wounds that need healing and when He does I am humbled, grateful, convicted and at times a little sad. At the end of the day I don't want to walk around hurting others or responding to people and situations from a heart that harbors pride, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, judgment, self loathing, entitlement, competition, jealousy, envy, and martyrdom. I want to respond to God, people, and situations with a Christ like heart, one filled with love, grace, peace, patience, joy, gentleness, and forgiveness. That is why God has to break my heart sometimes, why He has to chip away at all the hardened pieces in order for my heart to be renewed and made soft again.
I remember the first time I realized that my heart was being refined and getting softer. One of my friends was moving back to where I currently live and I had just moved here myself so had not yet established a social network. When she shared she was coming back, I burst into tears, I had missed her and hadn’t even realized how much I missed her. My tears surprised her as much as they did me and I remember saying “I think I cry a lot more now that I go to church.” It’s true, God loves you so much that He is willing to break your heart, chip down your walls in order to restore, heal, and ultimately redeem you.
This process is by no means easy at times but give Him your heart, let Him do what is in your best interests with it and life will never be the same again. Walking wounded is not a lot of fun whereas walking healed, restored, and redeemed really is. For anybody reading this, I pray for all your hearts, for healing, restoration, and redemption so that you can have life and have it to the full. Amen, Amen, Amen.
